Just Thinking About Learned Helplessness
I can remember when I first thought of this phrase, “learned helplessness.” I always thought I had invented it, it so accurately described what I was feeling at the time, years ago. I only recently heard someone use this same phrase…and, what a shock, I had not actually invented it! Learned helplessness is an actual thing. Maybe it was stuck deep in my subconscious brain from my psychology classes in college, I do not know. Those words just helped me name what was going on inside…an inability to thrive, a general malaise, and tiredness, deep tiredness, not exactly depression (but close)…this thing that had me stuck. I was experiencing consistent roadblocks and frustrations in my job, and I had come to feel helpless. I felt helpless to do anything about anything. It seemed that no matter what ideas I had, no matter what solutions to problems I put forth, no matter what I wanted to do to implement changes, the answer was always no.
I had to explain my ideas to the person supervising me, who would then take the ideas to our boss. I was not permitted to go directly to him…chain of command, I was told. I kept thinking if I could just explain my idea in a conversation with him, maybe he would see the value better…maybe there could be some back and forth and real solutions found. Nothing against my supervisor…she just wasn’t me! These were my ideas and solutions. I found it so frustrating that I had to explain them to her, and then hope she could explain them well to him. Every time, the answer came back as no…no, not now; no, not going to happen; no, we won’t be going in that direction. In fact, the first time I heard a direct answer from him was the day he walked into her office, stood over me, pointed down at me in my chair and told me all of the things I was no longer going to be doing in my job. In fact, my job was gone. I was being replaced. And my new role would have no decision making, no budget control, no supervising, no mentoring…I would be answering only to the person who was being placed in my old position. I would be his assistant.
By the time that happened, I had been through two frustrating years of hearing no. It was somewhere towards the end of year two that I named what I was feeling—this is learned helplessness. I had learned to stop trying and to stop asking. I was tired all the time. My back was spasming. I had stopped trying to solve problems with any types of innovation or change and was just trying to put out “fires” as best I could. I had lost confidence in my ability to really problem solve. It seemed I was always “in trouble” for one thing or another…it felt relentless. I was very beat up and felt very helpless. It didn’t occur to me to leave. I felt stuck and yet I didn’t know what to do. I had learned helplessness.
As I was quietly removed from my position and people were asking me what happened…and I had no answers. Some were just whispering about the change…of course these what if whispers often made their way back to me. It felt a bit like shadow boxing. I hid a lot…head down, trying to work. An email was finally sent out from our boss…he said I was removed to avoid appearances of nepotism. My husband worked there too. This did not make sense for a lot of reasons I won’t go into here…suffice to say, the explanation felt fabricated and fell flat. Eyerolls were added to the whispers. It was not fun…and it left me wondering a lot of things. Sad to say, I was pretty sure I was the problem, and it wasn’t about my family connections. I have opinions. I want to lead and grow programs, build programs, grow people, teach and coach…. I am not afraid to speak up, especially in defense of people being marginalized or disrespected. And I am a woman. All of this was taking place in a very conservative evangelical space. After about a year in the new demoted role I was given, I started developing daily headaches. My friends had tried to tell me to leave. But I had stayed. My body finally put its foot down, so to speak. It was no longer an option to stay in this learned helplessness space, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I needed to make a change. The day I resigned, the headaches stopped. Immediately. I was shocked.
Learned helplessness is not something I just made up to describe how I was feeling. It is, in fact, a psychological condition. Who knew?!
Learned helplessness occurs when an individual continuously faces a negative, uncontrollable situation and stops trying to change their circumstances, even when they have the ability to do so. For example, a smoker may repeatedly try and fail to quit. He may grow frustrated and come to believe that nothing he does will help, and therefore he stops trying altogether. The perception that one cannot control the situation essentially elicits a passive response to the harm that is occurring.
My passive, learned helplessness, response on the outside wasn’t working on the inside of me. My body helped me understand that I needed to make a change. We really are fearfully and wonderfully made. Even after I left, though the headaches had stopped, I still dealt with other residue. I tried for several years to figure out what had happened in that job. I analyzed my ideas and my work and my relationships. I tried to figure out what I could have done differently. I replayed the years…for years. It took time to accept that, although I am certainly not perfect, the problem was not me. I realized the people who wanted me out of that job were never going to give me any real and concrete reasons…even if they knew them. I would never hear anything directly, just like I had never had the opportunity to know direct answers to my questions when I was working there. I stopped trying to figure out what could not be figured out. This was a big step toward healing. It took time (and a very different job) for me to begin to regain my confidence and energy.
It never occured to me, back then, to google, “how to heal from learned helplessness?” Here’s one thing I would have found if I’d done some research:
People with learned helplessness can overcome it.
The most common treatment is therapy, especially cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT helps people overcome these challenges by changing how they think and act.
In therapy, people can:
receive support and encouragement
explore the origins of learned helplessness
develop ways to decrease feelings of helplessness
identify negative thoughts that contribute to learned helplessness
identify behaviors that reinforce learned helplessness
replace thoughts and behaviors with more positive and beneficial ones
improve self-esteem
work through challenging emotions
address instances of abuse, neglect, and trauma
set goals and tasks for themselves
Eating a healthful diet, exercising, meditating, and practicing mindfulness are other lifestyle changes that can boost a person’s mental health and outlook.
Thank you Medical News Today! I wish I had been able to go into therapy back then…instead I got a new job. In my new job I was expected to work at a fast, high level of competency. I was given growing responsibilities and asked to speak up. They wanted my voice in the room. I was encouraged to set goals and move through tasks, holding myself accountable. I was given the opportunity to work through what I was feeling in relationship with the people around me. I was encouraged and supported. I guess in many ways, that job was exactly the therapy I needed! I experienced much healing there, and I’m so grateful.
I think there’s still a good bit of work to do, though. I find myself slipping back into some old patterns even now, especially since November. I think I’m thinking about learned helplessness this week because I am feeling quite helpless as I watch this new administration dig in. The are breaking the law, making heartless decisions that impact people with the most to lose (including their lives), dismantling DEI (or trying to), threatening and firing amazing federal employees who have dedicated their lives to making our lives better, and they are pretending they have a mandate as they turn our democracy and government upside down. They do not.
I am trying to remind myself that I am not helpless. I have agency. I get up every day and decide what to do with my days, what to read and what not to read…and how to move forward with the work in my hands. I can speak up. I can write. I can encourage people and love people. And I can rest when I need to rest. WE can. We are not helpless. And they are not all powerful. Only God is all powerful.
Is God all powerful???
One of the real complications of the learned helplessness I experienced years ago is that the greatest portion of it all took place in faith spaces. It left me feeling in limbo spiritually. I was at a Christian school. I was part of a big Christian church. I was a strong woman swimming in conservative evangelical waters and I didn’t really understand what that meant, as I do now. (Thank you Kristin Dumez!) I was not valued as a leader, because of my gender. I wasn’t acting right, as a woman, but no one would say that to my face. They wanted me to work hard and be quiet. They wanted my talents but not my strength or my ideas or my words. I taught the Bible, but I needed to “be careful when teaching high school boys. Women can’t teach men….” I needed to be humble, more humble. Maybe this is one reason (of the many reasons!) I love Taylor Swift. She said it. “If I was a man, I’d be the man…” That would have been the perfect title for that chapter in my life…or at least it seems that way to me.
I left that evangelical water, sort of. I changed churches, and jobs, but I didn’t leave leave. I still read my Bible. I still pray. I still have my “quiet time” and my devotionals and my faith. I still love Jesus. Actually, I think I love Jesus even more these days. I feel affirmed and cared for by that radical God/man who lifted up women and the poor and healed outcasts and went off to be by himself to pray. Jesus doesn’t seem to have a problem with me being me.
I follow Christ, and I’m reluctant to call myself a Christian. My friend likes to wear a shirt that says, “I’m a love your neighbor, not a storm the Capital kind of Christian…”. Amen. It’s a strange juxtaposition when the “Christians” are saying things now such as…empathy is toxic and immigrants are the problem. When someone like Reverend Budde is demonized and someone like J.D. Vance is lifted up as a model person of faith…I just can’t. I don’t know J.D. Vance, so I am not speaking from first hand knowledge in my disdain. I’m going by what he says…same for Mariann Budde. I don’t know these people. But one of them pulls me down into familiar toxic waters of learned helplessness, and one draws me into actions of caring for people and loving people and wanting to be more merciful towards all people. One gives me hope. She helps me feel less alone, less helpless and way less like something is wrong with me.
I’m believing more and more that hope is essential in combating learned helplessness. Sister Helen Prejean has been fighting against the death penalty since 1982—that’s a long time. She wrote the book Dead Man Walking which helped change how our nation viewed capital punishment…at least for awhile. This morning Sister Helen posted a video on Instagram about the governor of Louisiana. “We have a governor, Jeff Landry, who has decided to begin executions again in Louisiana. He has built a gas chamber and is planning to have the first execution in March…. I’m calling on you, please raise your voice. This is the time not to be overwhelmed by things…action brings hope. Please call the governor…every voice counts. ‘Don’t Kill for Me.’ Governor Landry: 225-342-0991.”
I’ve been thinking about this all day. He built a gas chamber. 😳 This is the time not to be overwhelmed by things. Action brings hope. I think there are a lot of layers here in the Sister’s wisdom. Action brings hope to people on death row. Can you imagine? You are sitting there waiting for someone to come take your life. It doesn’t matter what you say. It doesn’t matter how you’ve changed or repented or grown. You can’t do anything about it. Talk about learned helplessness. And then here comes this Sister. She is determined to keep you alive. She is determined to help you. She is determined to get others to help you. Action brings hope.
I would imagine that action brings hope to Sister Helen as well. People joining her in this fight to save people, to stop people from killing people, has to encourage her heart so much. She is not alone. And she has clearly experienced this in her own life, that her action brings her hope, and so she keeps working.
And for us? Action brings hope. What if hope can be learned just like helplessness can be learned? I’d say my new job and my new people called me to action, and that action pulled me out of learned helplessness. I walked right into hope for more. The more I acted, the more I worked and grew, the more hope grew. The Bible says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12 (NRSV) It’s interesting how passively I have received that verse through the years. I just keep waiting for what I hope for and if it doesn’t happen then my heart gets sick…that is so true, so descriptive. And then sometimes I do get something I desire and now I have access to a tree of life. I feel better…so true. But through it all I’m just sitting here passively and these things are happening to me. Hm. I can see how well trained I am in learned helplessness, even in the way I read the Bible.
What if the Scripture were to be read a bit differently? For example, what happens if I hope and don’t do anything? If I fail to act on what I hope for and in my failure to act nothing happens, hope is deferred, and my heart will grow sick. Sick and helpless. I am an actor in this hope becoming a desire fulfilled. I am not a passive recipient of a sick heart. I can say no to learned helplessness. I have choices. I have agency (and so do you!). When I act, when I move into my hopes with courage and determination and resilience, hope grows, and desire will be fulfilled. Action brings hope. And now also, LIFE fills me up. A beautiful tree of life, thriving and growing and strong. So strong…like an oak of righteousness strong. What if God is calling us out of learned helplessness into hope? Through action. It seems to me that the next thing is to discern, what is mine to do? And I’m guessing the answer to that question has something to do with our hopes…maybe even the hopes God has placed in our hearts.
I don’t understand a lot of the mystery around God’s purposes and power. I have a lot of questions. I’m not finding a lot of answers for the why of suffering in our world, for why some gain power and drop bombs and some are so horrifically powerless and starving and dying…. But I do know this: if I give in to waiting for God to do something, for justice to be fulfilled and people helped, then nothing gets done. And I will slip out of life and into hopelessness and helplessness. And me in that state is not good for any good. Life grows in me as I lean into hope and action, asking God to direct my steps somehow, and fulfill the purposes of Christ’s heart for the world. I want to do my part…and it’s going to require me to act. Today. And every day. And then…yes, we need to rest. And then…action again. And hope grows. Thank God. And yes, God, please help us…please help.
